Home Is Just a Very Long Home Run Away--With, Of Course, the Help Of Some HGH and Steroids and Maybe Even One of Sammy Sosa's Old Corked Bats

Please understand that we, The Management and Editing Team at the Ronald Wesley Maly Dot Com Division, have no intention of turning this into a real estate site.

But occasionally we like to look at the interesting way housing dollars are being spent in the bustling Greater Des Moines area.

Mike Gartner got us thinking about that when he'd occasionally publish the photographs and facts about certain peoples' homes in this area in the little cityview paper he co-owns with his old pal, Gary Gerlach.

Now, we realize Ron Our Boss doesn't concern himself with things like that. As you know, he's forgotten who Gartner is or was. Honestly, he doesn't give a rat's ass about the guy.

But we, The Management and Editing Team, know that a few people in this state are interested in Gartner, if only because they regard him as an obnoxious creep who has an advanced case of little man's disease. We also figure that Gartner, a frequent target of those who question the goings-on in newspaper/baseball/Board of Regents circles, should have grown a thick skin by now and can stand being inspected and dissected.

That being said, a couple of us on The Management and Editing Team have a question or two. For one thing, we've wondered why Gartner and his employees have never treated readers to a photo of his own home in the little paper.

Cityview had Mike Blouin's condominium at 300 Walnut Street in Des Moines pictured recently. The West Des Moines home of former Des Moines Register editor Paul Anger was also featured once. But, as far as we know, cityview hasn't ever published a picture of the building Gartner calls home.

It seems like kind of a chickenshit way for the little paper to operate.

Consequently, we decided to give Gartner's residence a little pub today by putting the facts about it on Ron's site. Ron has been out of the state visiting his kids and grandchildren, so he left us in charge of the office.

You know what happens when The Boss is gone.

Gartner's address is listed as 100 Market Street in Des Moines, which puts him a wind-aided, human growth hormone-aided and steroids-aided Iowa Cubs home run away from one of his jobs at No-Name Ballpark.

Polk County assessor records show that the name Gartner is listed at 100 Market Street, but the first name isn't Mike. It's Barbara, and we're betting she's related to Mike. His wife maybe?

Actually, the Gartner name is listed in connection with more than one property at 100 Market Street. Hell, they may own the whole joint for all we know.

Of course, the building [pictured above] is where the old Younkers Warehouse used to be. Ron told us he bought a table and a couple of chairs there when he was a lot younger and his kids were a lot smaller. We're assuming that was when Younkers still owned the place and before Gartner moved in. As far as we know, Ron didn't buy any furniture from Gartner, and we figure Gartner sure as hell didn't give any away.

We haven't figured out why Mike isn't listed as the titleholder to the properties at 100 Market Street. But he's named as the buyer of Unit 515 at Brown Camp Lofts, even though Barbara is the titleholder and is listed as trustee.

Records show that Mike bought the condominium for $250,000 from Tanner Kinzler on Oct. 12, 2004. The assessed value is $175,200.

Condition of the condo is listed as "very good." The view quality is listed as "good."

That's really nice to know.

There are two floors, with the loft area serving as storage. There's one bedroom, one bath and 901 feet of finished living area. There are three rooms. The condo has heat and air conditioning.

Keep in mind that's only for Unit 515. Things really get interesting when we get to Unit 514 at Brown Camp Lofts.

Records show that Barbara Gartner bought that condominium from James H. Windsor IV for $727,000 on Aug. 31, 2004. Barbara Gartner is listed as titleholder No. 1 and titleholder No. 2.

The residential assessment is listed at $528,000. There are two floors, with storage in the loft area. There are two bedrooms, two full baths and a finished living area of 2,908 feet in six rooms.

Nice little layout.

The condo has heat and air conditioning. It's in "very good" condition and the view quality is "good." There are two parking spots. That's nice to know, too.

Like we said earlier, we're not planning to turn this website into a sub-division of Iowa Realty and Better Homes and Gardens, but with the Chicago Cubs resembling a Little League team this summer and with the Iowa and Iowa State football season still a ways away, we decided to step away briefly from the sports beat.

Working on this project was so much fun that we may take a look at more of the local housing scene later. If we do, we'll have a good time with it. Stay tuned.